(Hey, it's the weekend...slow news day!)
By Brad Friedman on 5/15/2004, 2:47pm PT  
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
CONVENTION SCHEDULE

New York, NY

6:00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Fallwell
6:30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM - Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM - Seminar #1: Iraq Strategies-Voodoo/DooDoo WMD
7:30 PM - First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM - Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM - EPA Address #1: Mercury--It's what's for dinner!
8:00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your Children!!
8:30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM - Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
9:05 PM - Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM - EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30 PM - Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM - Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM - Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM - Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM - John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM - Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM - Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM - Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on our Nation's Economy
11:10 PM - Hilary Clinton Pi˝ata
11:20 PM - Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists: The Dangerous New Cult
11:30 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
11:31 PM - Blame Clinton
11:55 PM - Laura serves milk and cookies
11:57 PM - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord