Some fine satire by James A. Bartlett over at The Democratic Underground today where, incidentally, they’ve also run my “Mourning in America” piece. Self-serving plug not withstanding, here’s just a few of the highlights from Bartlett’s well done satirical look at the life and times of Reagan, as seen through the dutifully partisan “fair and balanced” hagiography of Fox News…
Reagan enlisted in the Army during World War II. On D-Day, he led the American column ashore at Omaha Beach, carrying one machine gun in each arm and a dagger in his mouth, even though his poor eyesight made him technically ineligible for combat.
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He gained the Republican presidential nomination in 1980. Every American who was alive then recalls where he was on the night God himself pre-empted The Love Boat to announce that the November election would be canceled. Reagan was inaugurated the next afternoon.
Reagan’s presidency was nearly short-circuited in 1981 when a gunman attempted to assassinate him outside a Washington hotel. When the shots rang out, Reagan deftly ditched his Secret Service agents and chased the assailant into an alley, where he used kung fu to disarm him and turn him over to D.C. police. Due to the meddling of activist judges, however, Reagan’s true assailant was allowed to go free and another man, John Hinckley, was incarcerated in his place. (Fox News recently revealed that Reagan’s real assailant was Bill Clinton.)
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When prayer was restored to the public schools in 1984, the Soviet Union dissolved, the nations of Eastern Europe were liberated from Communism, the Cold War came to an end, and Reagan’s beloved Chicago Cubs won their first pennant in 39 years. (Reagan pitched seven shutout innings in the pennant-clinching win over Pittsburgh.)
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Reagan was working on a new translation of the Bible from the original Greek and Hebrew when God called him home on Saturday. God was unavailable for comment, but his son, Jesus, told the Washington Post, “We’re thrilled to have Mr. Reagan up here with us. I’ve been waiting for somebody to take my seat next to Dad for quite a while now.”
The above might be even funnier, if it wasn’t so close to what you’ll actually find out there right now in “Reagan’s America” where it seems his greatest legacy is a lock-step marching band of rightwing sycophants hell-bent on slinging fistfulls of shit at political opponents while cowardly hiding behind the flag-draped coffin of their fallen hero.
Something tells me Reagan wouldn’t much approve of their kind of less-than-positive divisive hatred disguised as “patriotism”. But unlike them, I’ll not ascribe my own words and ideas onto a dead man. His legacy will speak for itself, unless Fox News and the Freepers have anything to say about.
(I tried to find a representative thread of the bile being spewed forth from the Freepers at FreeRepublic.com – but there was so much of it, I couldn’t choose between any one thread. Stop by and browse for yourself instead. You may wanna bring a bucket).
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