Brian knows where he stands, and that’s some good freedom for the US of A.
By Bryan on 8/4/2004, 1:24am PT  

(NOTE: This entry guest blogged by Bryan)


Those gun-toting fascist liberals were at it again, promoting free speech and not turning people away from their rallies due to race or political affiliation. A handful of Republicans have been spotted over the past few days at Kerry events, carrying signs that read 'Flush the Two Johns' and 'Waffles are for Breakfast, not for President'.

The Waffler, a credible source named Brian who allegedly attended a Milwaukee rally last evening and held the purposefully hunger-inducing Waffle sign, told Rush Limbaugh earlier today that they were not confrontational with anyone. ‘Again, we were not confrontational with anyone,' Brian recalled, ‘but we did have several of these compassionate liberals ask us if we wanted to have our legs broken.'

While all the conservatives were left physically unscathed, thank goodness, it is the notion of this quiet threat that troubled me most. I would have thought the conservatives, who are now used to hearing compassionless and inane questions at rallies, the kind that end in, ‘Which boat did you come over on?' and ‘Will you sign your name here, for privacy's sake?' would be ready for some back and forth, some good ol' trash swapping. Yet the idle threats seemed not to deter Brian, who remained aggressive in his freedom, and passive with his tongue.

From the Rush transcript:

RUSH: So they threatened you. Did they imply or state that you would be safer if you just leave?

CALLER/BRIAN: Absolutely, sir, to which I just stood my ground and remained silent.

RUSH: And are you walking today or are you in a wheelchair?

CALLER/BRIAN: I'm absolutely walking, and believe me, I'll walk down to plenty John Kerry rallies.

Other GOP members could not contain their freedom of restraint, and despite continued intimidation by the liberal extremists, began to chant ‘Four more years! Four more years!' Yet it was the Kerry camp that would ultimately have the last word, and the first overplayed sound byte. It was Mr. Kerry's wife, Mrs. Kerry, who turned the crowd against the protestors, crying, “They want four more years of hell! Three more months! Three more months!”

Later, to democratic cheers, John Kerry took his turn on the podium, and turned lemons into a lemon juicer. ‘These guys have to get megaphones and they want to drown out people in America. We don't want to be drowned out. We got our individual voices and we're going to speak for America. I want to thank George Bush for sending the goons here tonight to excite us to do a little more work.'

(The Kerry campaign could not be reached for comment, but Sean Astin's publicist confirmed that in fact Goons was in no way a pop-culture reference to Astin's 1985 hit, 'The Goonies'. When pressed, his publicist did concede that John Kerry bore a slight resemblance to heartthrob Josh Brolin, but declined to publicly endorse either candidate.)

Despite a ripper of an opening, the remainder of the evening was fairly uneventful. There was no mid-game breakout, no Republican vs. Democrat smackdown, and no one was served in the political dance-off, save the Constitution. It was all policy issues, state of the union chatter, plans for America's future, blah bidi blah blah. At the end of the long rally, all attendees must have felt something missing. If only both sides could have sat down that evening over a good plate of waffles and hashed it all out. I know they're only for breakfast, but...