Guest Blogged by DES
At The BRAD BLOG we prefer a splash of snark with our morning coffee (helps take the edge off), and today we are pleased to direct your attention to a veritable feast of snark with a big dollop of snotty on the side, courtesy of the fine folks at The BEAST.
They've graciously offered a list of their favorites for The 50 Most Loathsome People in America, whose loathsome-osity crossed that invisible barrier of taste and public tolerance to STFU status (in their opinion) in the preceeding year. Among so many prospects, how do they manage to limit it to just fifty? Sad to say that we were unaware of The Beast's compilations in previous years, but we look forward to catching up. Snark is a dish that never gets cold.
While we heartily disagree with some of their choices (would you expect anything less?), these are a smattering of our favorites, including Limbaugh, Abramoff, Coulter, Bush...
30. Rush Limbaugh
Charges: It’s hard to believe this repulsive shit fountain is even human, until you remember that we share 70% of our DNA with pigs. Then again, to be any more hypocritical Rush would actually have to be a member of another species. After the Democrats took congress in November, Limbaugh said he felt "liberated" because "I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don’t think deserve having their water carried," essentially telling his listeners he’d been lying to them all year. The dittoheads didn’t mind; that’s why they listen.
Exhibit A: If someone had taken a shotgun and blown Rush’s head clean off while he was wobbling his bloated body back and forth in an inconceivably cruel mockery of Michael J. Fox, whom he accused of faking his Parkinson’s symptoms for political effect, it would have been the greatest viral video of them all.
Sentence: Parkinson’s disease, of course, triggered by oxycontin abuse.
26. Ann Coulter
Charges: It was a run of the mill year for Ann: openly calling for the murder of a Supreme Court justice and the entire staff of the New York Times, accusing 9/11 widows of "enjoying their husband’s deaths" and Bill Clinton of being a rapist. Coulter’s neck gained an amazing 3 vertical inches in 2006; inside sources attribute this to a strict regimen of deep-throating Satan’s scaly cock. It’s projected that by 2010 Coulter will be able to plagiarize the Illinois Right to Life Committee website more deftly than she did in this year’s ode to mindless intolerance of tolerance, Godless, simply by snaking her grotesque head-ladder through the ventilation ducts of their office and skulking away with their webmaster’s hard drive clenched firmly in her masculine jaw. Ann’s slipping, though; she’s become an unconvincing fascist parody, increasingly betraying herself in televised interviews, blushing at her own brazen idiocy. She’s faking it, and so are her tits.
Exhibit A: "Hi, I’m Ann Coulter."
Sentence: Most "controversial" statements redacted from "Exhibit A," as they’re a naked ploy for attention–-and Adam’s apple removed with a backhoe.
17. Tony Snow
Charges: A soft-spoken scoutmaster with the obfuscatory skill of a Jedi car salesman. After years defending the Bush administration’s worst excesses on "Fox News Sunday," Snow’s job transition to White House Spokesman consisted solely of getting directions to the new office. Very first answer at very first press briefing was a lie, containing that old stonewaller’s chestnut, "we will neither confirm nor deny." Snow’s vast ignorance greatly enhances his ability to appear to believe the bullshit he emits for a living—he thinks evolution "is pure hypothesis," that black/white disparity in America has "all but vanished," and that the Baker-Hamilton report is "partisan." This kind of willful denial of reality makes him a much more sophisticated protocol droid than his monotonous predecessor.
Exhibit A: "Helen, the President understands that you cannot win the war without public support."
Sentence: Hugging electrified tar baby.
10. Jack Abramoff
Charges: An amoral uber-bully who saw morality as an unnecessary obstacle to success and congress as an easily gamed system of constitutional subversion, Abramoff ushered in the era of rules-are-for-losers politics. Abramoff fronted for the South African government in the ‘80s, funneling cash to apartheid-friendly members of congress in the US, as well as writing and producing 1989’s unintentionally hilarious Rambo-for-dummies bomb Red Scorpion. Eventually, Abramoff pulled off scores of confidence, bribery and money-laundering schemes that were only remarkable in their utter shamelessness—Abramoff playing one side of a dispute while equally black-hearted coconspirators like Grover Norquist and Ralph Reed took the other, fabricating a dispute and splitting the money—something like starting a war just to sell guns to both sides. With dictatorial toad Tom Delay in his pocket, Abramoff’s power to stall or grease legislation for his sleazy clients was near-absolute and shockingly cheap, although not quite as cheap as the invertebrate journalists he paid to change their opinions. All that Abramoff’s public disgrace tells us is that a Washington crook has to exhibit satanic levels of arrogance for decades before anyone decides to take him down—so if you’re just a minor demon, you needn’t worry.
Exhibit A: A political sociopath from birth, Abramoff was disqualified for cheating in an election for student body president—in elementary school.
Sentence: Forced at gunpoint to use his evil skills to organize massive donations and subsequent electoral victories for the Green Party. Scalped by Native Americans; skull used as an ashtray at a $25 blackjack table.
3. George W. Bush
Charges: This spoiled, whiny pinhead is, regrettably, responsible for the nauseating fiasco he’s made of America and the world. Employs an effective strategy of creating so many deplorable scandals that it’s impossible for anyone to keep up, guaranteeing that most will slip by with little notice. Has managed to staff the entire federal regulatory system with obedient corporate drones intent on destroying it from within. More concerned with the fate of discarded embryos than the actual humans being shot at from both sides in an idiot war he conned us into. Is clearly annoyed to be president at this point. Dumber than Paris Hilton and almost as popular.
Exhibit A: "The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany."
Sentence: Trapped in a library with no picture books.
Intrigued? Check out the other 46 to see who made it into the top two spots.
And be sure to come back to pile on with your two cents in comments about their nominations and who you'd nominate, and why. It's too late to make the Official Beast List for 2006, but don't let that stop you...