By John Amato on 7/8/2005, 7:55pm PT  

Guest Blogged by John Amato

INTRODUCTION {by Winter Patriot}: Every great party needs a great comedian, and we've got one of the best! I invite you to savor this political satire from John Amato now --- and be prepared to blog with him on Saturday afternoon.

Crooks and Liars has acquired a transcript from a hidden source that was buried deep inside the function. This is the part they didn't televise.

Seated at the dais is James Dobson. Al Mohler, Tony Perkins, Bill Donohue, Pat Robertson, Jennifer Giroux, Rick Santorum, and Bill Frist's big smiling face televised on a huge majestic screen behind the podium.

Dobson: Are the cameras gone yet? Anybody….Good. We're now at the part of the program where we get to hear real stories, from truly amazing people in their travels around the vast liberal wasteland. I don't know how these kind souls go out to work day in and day out, but they have a mission. A mission from God to spread the news that we're coming to take back America.

Thunderous applause.

Donohue, a little drunk from the wine, yells: “From those secular Jews!”

Rabbi Shmuel gives Donohue a dirty look. “Come on Bill, can't you hold your booze?”

Donohue: “Anal stuff and Hollywood...” he passes out in his soup.

Dobson: Perkins, put away your white hood and take his sorry ass outta here.

Dobson: So without further adieu, no! I'm not speaking French.

Audience laughs.

Dobson: Here's Jethro Teasberry, just in from California, the heathen capital of the world.

The crowd starts booing and hissing.

Suddenly a booming voice yells, "I am the great and powerful Oz!"

Everyone turns around and looks up at the screen with Bill Frist's face.

Frist: Sorry everybody, I always wanted to do that. Please continue.

Jethro: Hi everybody, my name is Jethro.

Audience: Hi, Jethro.

Jethro: Dr, Dobson wanted me to tell you a tale. Sooo… just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. That started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship.

Dobson interrupting: That's Gilligan's Island, stupid.

Jethro: Right, right, sorry, Dr. Dobson. Anyway I had flown in to Los Angeles because I knew that I had to try and spread the word that the Lord is almost upon us, and somebody has got to try and save these pond scum types what hails from LA.

Audience claps.

Jethro: I had finished my work for the day, after going door to door selling the 1676th printing of the King James Bible. I was very tired and you can figure out how many of these little puppies I actually sold. None!

Crowd roars: Jezebels

Jethro: So I kicked back in my room and turned on the TV. I decided I wanted to watch the new version of “The Passion of the Christ.”

Audience claps.

Jennifer Giroux stands on her chair and begins to whistle and cry.

Jethro: I'm kinda embarrassed because I only seen it like six times and you know that's like a part of the beasts number.

Gioroux: I got an extra copy, You need to watch it at least 14 times to really understand the beauty in the torture, Jethro. Just come by my place between 7:17 and 7:42 PM, I'm trying to get pregnant again so we're on a schedule.

Jethro: Thank you Ma'am. Anyways like I was sayin', I pressed the menu button and it took me to the "movies on demand" menu. There it listed dozens of action, dramas, and comedies that hadn't yet been released in my hometown's $1.99 movie house yet. I scrolled down until I came upon a selection that said press the number 9 for “other.” I was in a good, inquisitive spirit, Mr. Dobson, so after toting those Bibles all day, I said "what the heck?" and pressed “other.” The screen turned red and then a plume of fire rose out of it. I was scared.

The crowd inhales deeply.

Robertson: The Devil's campfire

Jethro: Then suddenly the flames died out and a new screen appeared on the TV and it said “Welcome to the Liberal Agenda Entertainment Network”

Audience: Ohhhhh

Dobson: Amen, brother Jethro, didn't I tell you what goes on in Hollyweird?

Audience claps.

Jethro: If I said I was dumfounded I would be putting it mildly. Anyway on the TV it had a new list. The first one said ‘Press #1 for “Abortion on Demand.”

Dobson: Did you say Abortion on Demand?

Jethro: Yes I did!

Audience gasps in horror. Children begin to cry. A mother begins to leave the auditorium to comfort the child.

Dobson: Stop Charlotte Simmons! We can't coddle our little ones. They must hear this now SIT DOWN…Go on, Jethro.

Jethro: Yes sir, anyway I had heard Dr. Dobson mentioned something like this liberal agenda on one of his emails so I pushed the button anyway. I know I was weak, but my curiosity got me like a polecat. I never did like cats any.

Frist: What was that about cats? I just love cats. Cute furry little, tasty things, I like to…umm.

A hush comes over the audience as they look up at Bill.

Frist: Never mind, you go right ahead, Jethro, and I'll stay back here and be quiet while I figure out a way to screw McCain.

Dobson: Can we turn that damn screen off?

Frist: Hey what are you doing…

Screen goes black

Dobson: Thank goodness. That's called "temptation", Jethro, an old liberal tool.

Audience murmurs: Temptation

Jethro: Instantly two female nurses in white, tight fitting uniforms with big boobies came into the room. They held several shiny objects in their hands. One of em' was puttin' on rubber gloves.

A woman in the crowd faints.

Dobson: It's all right everybody, settle down. We all need to hear this so when it's time to vote again you'll all do your part.

Jethro: One nurse said, “Where's the patient?” I said, “ Oh no, I don't want no abortion. I hit the wrong key.” I wanted to see “The Passion of the Christ.” An awfully sad expression crossed her face and she said that it would still cost 11.95 on my room charge. I said that's ok. They both left the room in a tizzy.

Dobson: See how easy it is to destroy a human life in LA. That took guts Jethro. Well done. Let's give it up for Jethro.

Audience hollers wildly.

Pat Robertson interjects: I was talking to God just yesterday and I said God you can do so many wonderful and great things except of course alter tectonic plains. Why oh why must we live this way?

The crowd says: AAAAMMEEN

Dobson: Shut up Pat, we're not on FOX News.

Pat Robertson: Where are we?

Dobson: Just sit there and mummify. Go on, Jethro.

Jethro: Then they had a section called Republican Values Section.

Dobson: Really?

Jethro: They had the Dick Morris Toe Suckers and the Newt Gingrich Wife Swapper.

Dobson: That'll be all, Jethro.

Jethro: Then the Don Sherwood Gives Neckties and Neal Horsley's "Me and My Mule…."

Dobson slaps Jethro in the face.

At that point my source disappears...

{Winter Patriot here again}: John Amato will join us online Saturday from 3-4PM Pacific, that's 6-7 Eastern, and of course it's 5-6 Central and 4-5 in the Mountains. Maybe by then John's source will have reappeared!

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